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Everyone can get what they want…..

Laura Rose
Excerpt from a Time Management and Life Balance coaching session:

Client: What if you want something and your friend wants something different? How can you both be happy?

Coach: For Instance?

Friend: My brother and I invested in a 2^nd house for rental property. I need full-rent on that property. My brother wants to continue to offer ½ to his son (my nephew).

Originally, I was planning to sell the house I currently live in and move into this “2^nd house” to reduce expenses. The “2^nd house” is smaller and I can better afford the payments on it. My nephew (my brother’s son) and his girlfriend has been renting and living in that house for ½ the appropriate rent. The original plan was that my nephew would live there until I was able to sell my current home. I haven’t been able to sell my current home, so I’m spending money on a house I cannot afford, and losing ½ the rent on my other property. I’m trying to cut costs everywhere I can – all because I’m only getting ½ the rent on this 2d house. And I see my nephew and his girlfriend not taking care of the property and not working hard to find jobs. They say they don’t have the money, but she isn’t looking for work either. They haven’t really done anything for 6 months.

I’m strapped. My house will be off the market in August and I need to get full rental price on the 2^nd house at that time. But my brother wants to continue to give his son “a break” because “they don’t have the money”. I’m all for giving them “a break”. But my opinion is that they have had 6 months at ½ rent without taking advantage of it. And I don’t have the money either. I’m really frustrated with both my nephew and my brother. I love them to pieces, but “ uuggh”.

Coach: “Uuggh” is right. This is frustrating. But everyone can get what they really, really want.

Step 1: Clarifying the common goals.

You’re very responsible and hard-working. You want the best for your family. You’re brother is very responsible and wants the best for everyone. So you both have the same goals.

Step 2: Review the current situation.

The original agreement was that your nephew’s family can live in the 2^nd house at ½ rent until your current home sold. Well – times are tough and you can’t sell the house. Your house will no longer be on the market. Therefore, a new agreement needs to be discussed with the stakeholders.

Step 3: Clarify what you really want.

You want/need something comparable to the full rental price starting in August. ½ rent was meant as a temporary situation until the house was sold. The house is no longer going to be sold. You can certainly get that rental amount from other interested parties (the place is in the beach/water area. It’s not hard to rent. You’ll be able to rent it to someone else at the price you want)

Your brother still wants to give his son a break, and counters with arguments such as “it could take 6 months to find a renter – so ½ rent is better than none….” Etc.

So – let’s go back to what you both want….You both want the best for your family and each other. What’s best for you is to get something comparable to the full-rent. What’s best for your brother is to still feel like he’s giving his son “a break”.

Step 4: Consider alternatives to getting what you want.

You don’t care who or what form the money comes. For example: Would you brother make up the difference between what you need in rent, and what he is willing to ask from his son?

Client: “Heck NO. I don’t see that happening”.

Coach: Okay – Tell me about the cost-cutting. What things are you cutting out in your quality of life because of this situation?

Friend: Well – I am about to stop my lawn service. I’m going to have to buy a lawn mower and do my own lawn. I travel a lot for work and have a dog-sitter take care of my animals when I’m traveling. I have to cut that out. I am stopping my Maid-Service. She normally comes in once a week. I will need to discontinue that. I need to power wash and stain the fence in the fall. But will probably put that off until the spring.

Coach: Ah … that does put a lot of extra strain and work on your shoulders. You travel all the time for work. You don’t have much “home-time”, not to mention any “down-time”. All this extra stuff is affecting your own quality of life.

OKAY – so – How would you feel if – they took care of the lawn service, dog sitting, house cleaning the house, power washing, etc. What if you came up with a price/cost list for those recurring items? If they did those jobs, you could subtract those from the rent each month. Is this something that would work for you? Is this something that you would feel good about?

Friend: Yeah – I like that idea. Let me see. $140 for lawn service 4 times a week, doggy care $24 a day per travel, house cleaning ….. Yeah. They say they don’t have the money, but the girlfriend isn’t work or even looking for a job. She can certainly do the house cleaning and dog sitting. My nephew can do the lawn and power-washing….

Coach: One suggestion, if you’re willing

Friend: Sure –

Step 4: Don’t get attached to “how it will happen”.

Coach: Don’t get to attached to who is doing what/when. Don’t suggest who needs to do what or anything. Just send out the offer of what will make you happy. For instance – you need something comparable to the full rent starting in August. If the couple doesn’t have the cash, you’re willing to offer these jobs to supplement the rent. Let the other parties decide how to accomplish and respond. If allowed—they may come up with another alternative that you would like even better. As long as you explicitly state on what will make you happy at the end of the day, do you really care if it comes from someone else or in another form? Once an agreement is committed; then you can decide what days/time the work will be done etc. so you can give proper access or be there in person (whatever makes you more comfortable).

Friend: yeah -- I don’t really care who does what. I will probably want to be around – at first – if they agree to clean the house and stuff like that. But – yeah – I don’t really care who does it. Yeah – I’ll think about this some more…. I like the idea. Let me iron it out a little.

So, What’s Wrong With Having Your Cake and Eating It Too?
Laura Rose
Excerpt from a Time Management and Life Balance coaching session:
“How are your weekends?”
“They are okay.”
“Normally pretty relaxing and fun?”
“Normally, except for taking the kids to soccer and if we have to run around doing errands.  Sometimes the parents need some fix-it help with something.  Or we have to run around doing errands for the kids or work, or some house or lawn maintenance that needs taken care of etc. ”
“Sounds like a typical ‘free-for-all “weekend.  But something in your voice caught my attention when you said “taking the kids to soccer wasn’t relaxing or fun”. Is there something stressful about taking the kids to soccer?”
“Did I say that? I didn’t mean to.   It’s not stressful…. Just… well …last year I was the soccer coach.  This year is better.  This year, I’m just the assistance coach.”
“Ah – so you have more responsibility than just taking them to the soccer game.”
“Yeah – I would really like to just sit in the audience, watch and cheer them on.  I want to do that more……  Although, ….I do enjoy working with the kids, and it’s good exercise.  I do like that.   On the other hand, it would be nice to sit in the audience more.  But , see, no one volunteers.  When they ask for help, I wait until the very last moment, and no one steps up.  So I volunteer and then I’m stuck.”
“It seems you really like to work with the kids.  You just don’t want to do it ALL THE TIME. How often are the games?
“Every Saturday”.
“Wow – every Saturday.  And I assume you have practices in-between.”
“Yeah”.
“Do you think other parents may be feeling the same way?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well – do you think there are other people that would love to work with the kids – but just not every week?”
“I don’t know.”
“You know your group better than I do.  What do you think would happen if –you were to volunteer by saying something like ‘I can’t sign up for every week.  But I would really like to assist 1 week a month. I can sign up for that.’ “
“mmmmm.  I never thought of that.  That’s a good idea……mmmm…There’s even someone I think I could approach to maybe share the assistant coaching.  Then I’m not on call every week.  And I’ll be able to sit in the audience during my off-weeks.  That’s something to investigate.  That’s a good idea.”


The above scenario, (although not the exact wording) is an excerpt from a real coaching session.  It’s a very good example of how you can have your cake and eat it too.
In this example, my friend wanted to sit in the audience as well as help coach the team.  Like many of us, he initially resigned himself to an either-or solution.  “I can either sit in the audience, or coach the team”.  Life is either/or only when we make it that way.

After talking it out, he realized that: All we need to do is clarify what we really want in the situation and ask for it.

Some other examples in my personal life:

I am also a dance instructor in partner dances like East Coast Swing, West Coast Swing, Salsa, Ballroom, other Latin dances.  
As in many hobbies, once you get introduced to dance – you find many places to practice and have fun.  When I was first learning to dance, I would go to these different dance studios and dance clubs to practice.  I would walk in and find several women just sitting on the side lines. [1]  At first, I would get dejected and realize that I’m just adding to the problem, because I’ve just added another lady to the side lines.  Many ladies get dejected and they stop coming to the dances.  But it’s not an either/or.  

All we need to do is clarify what we really want in the situation and ask for it.

Step 1:  What do I really want?
I want to dance more.  Even though there are more women that want to dance, then men who want to dance – that’s not the limiting factor in partner dancing.  It’s the lead to follow ratio that matters. [2]   Not the number of men or women at the event.  

Step 2: Change your thinking of the situation.
So I learned to lead and became part of the solution. I now dance every number as either a follower or a leader.  I’ve become such a good lead, that women come up and ask me to dance and men ask me to teach them how to lead.


Eventually, I became a very good dancer.  And I was invited a number of times to join this-or-that performance team or competitions.   I really liked that people liked watching me dance and I liked being the focus of their attention while I danced.  I enjoy showing off on the regular dance scene.  But taking it to the competition or performance level didn’t excite me.  I want to dance the way I want to dance.  Competing or joining a performance team means compromising the way I dance in some fashion.  It also requires that I place other people’s opinion about how I dance above my own.  


All we need to do is clarify what we really want in the situation and ask for it.

Step 1:  What do I really want?
I like that people like the way I dance.  It would be fun to show people how to dance they way they want to dance.

Step 2: Change your thinking of the situation.
People that like the way I dance will probably be attracted to workshops and classes on how to do the same.   I’ll do some dance workshops on how to do the same.

I now have a full calendar of dance classes, privates and designer group lessons available for folks.   My only marketing (besides my website) is going to dances and dancing with everyone I can find.  My dance studio is Dance4Fun.  My website for dancing is : www.DanceFourFun.com